Saturday, April 28, 2007

Stood Up

I was stood up. Stood up by my friend. When I went over for our prearranged visit no one was home. I waited 45 minutes and then left her a note saying I was there and we'll need to reschedule for another time. She does her weekly shopping on Saturday so I thought perhaps she had just been delayed. But I fear I was forgotten. Let me tell you, thats a real boost to the ole sense of worth, but I can understand it. After all, we're both seniors.

Yesterday I also found out my daughter-in-law had had her baby a few weeks ago. Her sister told me and she looked completely surprised that no one had let me know. Clearly she doesn't have a good understanding of our family dynamics. We don't have any. No one let me know about the delivery of his other five children so I wasn't expecting anything now, either.

I'm not a warm and fuzzy person. I feel I'm pretty adaptable to my surroundings, but my mother wasn't a warm and fuzzy person either... so there ya go. My father was a rapist. When I was in my 50's I asked my mother how I came to be. She said she was date-raped (drugged and raped by a guy in the service) and ended up pregnant with me. This was in the early 1940s. Back then everything was always the woman's fault and having a child out of wedlock was something to talk about in whispers.

Also back then a woman had to lay flat on her back for 10 days after delivery. Or at least my mother did. How does one take care of a newborn (bond) and stay flat on their back? Add to that... my mother had a very painful breast infection. Is it no wonder we were never too close. I have sympathy for her now that I'm older and an inch wiser.

I think I must resemble my sperm "donor" because my mother was smallish, had curly hair, and was neat and tidy. Think of the opposite and that would be me.

My mother passed in 2000. I had three dreams of her, space apart somewhat. With each one she became happier and happier. That was reassuring for me and I'm glad. I wish her well.

(Phone rings. Its my friend puffing from rushing...apologetic for not being there. She had expected me to call first, as I usually always do, because she had done someone a favor by taking them shopping and it took longer than planned. It didn't even dawn on me to call first. I find that interesting. Creating my own situations. Anyway, I reassured her that all was well, not to worry about it. I'm just grateful that it was because she was helping someone out and not because she forgot about me. If I had had a cell phone she would have been able to reach me. Anyway... I'm heading out the door again, feeling a lot better... and thinking there's a lesson in here somewhere. See ya later.)


Anonymous said...

You have mentioned your birth father before... I always had this thought about that and the distance between you and your mother... "Crusty just needed a way in this world, but didn't want to get tied down or obligated to the parents"...

I thought that because of who my parents were... The older I got the more I started to understand why I chose them of all people... I knew they loved me and all but they never said the words nor were they huggy type people... There was a lot of humor, that was the closest thing to affection that they ever showed me... I see now that was what I needed to be who I became... Is it that way for you ya think?

The Crusty Crone said...

"just needed a way in this world, but didn't want to get tied down or obligated to the parents"... "

oh yeah. I have often considered this. My first born also seems to have simply needed a way in... I hope she 'gets it' sooner rather than later.