Church Notices

A friend sent me the following... too funny not to share.
~~~

They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the
Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles
and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing
in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to
sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

Author Unknown

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licked the $20 bill and stuck it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over and licked the $50 bill. I was worried about where things were going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things were going, the guy raced over to me! Now everyone’s attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my purse. What could I do?

The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!

Wanna go for a drive?

Your Driving Is is: 46% Male, 54% Female

According to studies, you drive both like a guy and a girl. This means you're a pretty average driver, with typical quirks. Occasionally you're frustrated and or a little reckless, but that's the exception - not the norm.

Do You Drive Like a Guy or a Girl?

"... eight times in the back."

A little undocumented follow-up on the latest police killing (I couldn't find the story on the news web site) in this area. Okay... not a follow-up but further explanation. An 18 yr old boy goes to a party and gets drunk. No other drugs found in his body. His alcohol level at the time of autopsy was .18 (driving with a level of .08 will get you arrested).

Friends say he was despondent over some personal things. At home he threatened suicide and had held a pocket knife up to his throat and probably threatened the three other adults at the house. Then the police came....

They're all outside and the police immediately start yelling at him to put the knife down, which he doesn't. The police tell him over and over, yelling, 'We're going to shoot you! We're going to shoot you, do you understand?!!!!'

The boy is telling them to stop yelling, to stop yelling at him. They don't. He turns to go into the house and the police shoot him eight times in the back. EIGHT FRIGGING TIMES....IN THE BACK!!!

Well darn... the police won't be able to say they were afraid for their lives since the boy was walking away from them. However, they are saying they were afraid for the lives of the people in the house.

Who knows what really happened. The information I'm sharing here is from TV news casts, so there is some room for error. Who knows how dangerous the drunk boy was... certainly not those who were not present. But really.... eight times in the back? Two officers shot.

Its just a mess all the way around. The boy is dead. The mother/family only wanted help in keeping their child safe, even if it was from himself. Who knows how the officers involved are reacting to what happened. Are they sorry? Are they questioning their actions? Who knows. Certainly not me.

Its been a long time since the Grand Jury has brought a police officer to trial for killing someone. Will it happen this time? If not, will the family bring a civil suit? Will anyone be held responsible? Or will it be labeled suicide-by-police? Only time will tell. My heart goes out to the mother.

And as a word of warning, think twice, perhaps three times, before calling the police. There's no telling how things will escalate when they are involved.

"Big Fat Delicious"

 
Now how many times do you hear those words together? "Big Fat Delicious" Not often. This is an advertisement I saw at one of the local gas stations around here. It caught my eye.

It sure seems like the police have been killing a lot of people lately. I can only imagine the kind of danger they find themselves in a lot of the times. I can only guess at the types of people and situations they have to deal with... but if there was an explosive situation occuring and it needed to calm down, I would not... I repeat, I would NOT call for the police to come. They don't defuse situations. They storm in and escalate it. Their latest victim is an 18 yr old. I can only imagine what the mother must be going through with the loss of her son knowing she is the one that called the police for "help".

Unfortunately, she is not the only one having to deal with a killed-by-police situation. It seems to happen almost daily around here and in neighboring suburbs. No Norman Rockwell paintings here.

I found myself in a Barnes and Noble book store the other day... man, that hasn't happened in a very long time. I noticed the comfortable overstuffed chairs are gone. For all intent and purposes, the chairs are gone. I did see one chair in the store. A hard wooden chair. No camping out there any more.

Also gone are the killer bargain tables.... the feature that would draw me into a transaction simply because it was "too cheap to pass up!!!" You know, those times when you buy a book on the History of Goat Cheese or something else intriguing. They did have a few 'bargain' shelves, but there was something aluring about the tables. Most of the 'bargain' books were not bargain enough for me, but I did surcome to the three-books-for-9.99 deal and I ended up getting books I probably wouldn't have gotten otherwise. They're fiction. I usually don't read fiction. Interesting.

The books are:

Final Beginnings : a novel. Natasha Stoynoff.... with John Edward's name as co-author. I'm currently reading this one. It tells of several different people whose lives and deaths converge and unite during a disaster.

The Memory Book : a novel. Penelope J. Stokes. A woman goes through her grandmother's scrapbook and sees her own life unfold.

The Red Hat Club Rides Again : a novel. Haywood Smith. Any old lady wearing a red hat is good to go in my book.

I hope your day goes well.
 

The Next Chapter

 
Well, here I stand looking out to yet another chapter in my life. A turning point was created when my daughter and grandsons left the state. As usually happens, one does not see it for what it is until after the fact.... those major turning points sneak up when you're not looking.

Turning Points: There's BS... Before Sex, followed by BK... Before Kids. There's before I left my "childhood home". (Makes it sound happy, doesn't it... 'childhood home'. Goes to show you how we conjure up emotions from words and phrases that don't necessarily reflect reality.) There's the before and after of marriage, the before and after of my one significant relationship... which was not my marriage. Before and after the first group of off-spring leaving home. (They were close in age so in retrospect it seems to have happened at the same time.) And now this final exodus of my last child and her two boys.

When I went to see them on their last day here... as they packed for their VACATION... I kept pushing back the feeling that I might not see them again. "Oh that's crazy talk. Stop being so melodramatic!" After all, a vacation means you're coming back. But the Universe does give you 'warnings'. Its just hard to figure out which are actual warnings and which are crazy thoughts.

I sure do miss those boys with their happy shiny faces. They always seemed happy to see me... and that doesn't happen very often. Where's that damn box of tissue!

In the past when major changes would take place I would end up cutting my hair as if to mark the passage. I went to the store today and bought a new pair of scissors with the intent of getting rid of this mass of stringy hair that gets in my way. I'm going short again.

Here is where I have the choice as to how I will react to this recent change. I can embrace it and look optimistically to the future or I can wallow in my self-pity and close the world off even more than I have. Right now its a toss up.
 

Empty

 
 
It sounds like I won't be seeing 'my boys' any time soon. I've been told that my youngest daughter, aka "mom", will be staying where she is... not coming back. I'm not sure what that means for sure because the person telling me this has a reputation for getting details wrong. But I fear the possibility of it being so is very high.

I feel like one of the pins in a bowling alley... and the ball of life just keeps knocking me over again and again.

It seems the minute 'mom' starts to get her life in order she has to do something to screw it up. And when she screws her life up, she screws it up for her boys, too. And the fallout hits us all.

I think the Universe gave me a 'heads-up' last Sunday. A 'preview' if you will.

Some days it just doesn't pay to be alive.
 

Little of this... Little of that

 
*If anyone were to ask my opinion regarding whether or not to procreate, my answer would be "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Oh sure, babies are cute when they are little, but just like puppies, they grow bigger. (Please note, I did not say 'they grow up'... they just get bigger and develop a bigger sense of entitlement.) They'll just end up sucking you dry of obsolutely everything and then laugh at you because your hair has gone stark white and your blood pressure causes your head to throb like an alien in a lousy B movie. I'm just saying.

*What is it with greed? Good Gawd, the more people get the more they are willing to do whatever it takes to get more. And by-gawd they better not get taxed for it either.

*I wish politicians had personal integrity. I wish they didn't lie. I wish they were truly looking out for our best interest. And most of all, I wish there weren't so many really stupid ones... but I can't bitch too much. After all, the citizens keep voting for them.

*I wish people would think for themselves and not believe at face value all the bullshit advertisements. Especially political ones. I saw one today that said they didn't think people with poor credit ratings should have insurance... or something along those lines. Maybe it was that they felt people with poor credit ratings should pay more for insurance than those with good ratings. WTF?! Maybe the government should just round up all poor people and kill them and be done with it. They could be then used for dog or cattle feed.

*Why is alcohol and cigarettes still a legal commodity and mari... mari... weed is a felony. What is the logic behind it? If the government needs more money think of the taxes they could collect. Anything "harder" than weed I am so TOTALLY against. Cocaine, crack, crank, meth, heroin, etc. (Light bulb goes off.) Hey... the war on terrorists... why not supply them with weed. That would so totally cut down on their activity and maybe 'mellow' them out.

*Seems like everything in the grocery store has gone up by at least ten cents. Will the price go back down as the price of gasoline goes down?

*Why is the gas in my area always a little higher than the reported national average?

*Loving the coolness of the weather here. (visualize big smile here.)

*I know I had a lot more items to question, but they seem to have vanished. I just got a phone call and have to leave to do one more errand today.
 

You know you're an Oregonian when....

You know you're an Oregonian when...

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, its not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Coffee People.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."

17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation

18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.

20. You use the phrase, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day.

21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but till wear your hiking boots and parka.

22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.

26. You measure distance in hours.

27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.

28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).

30. You actually understood this list.

Visiting

 
 
 
  

Pay Raises

"Oh, I'm sorry... did my sputtering get you all wet?"

WTF!?!

The county commissioners and DA are getting a raise. I don't begrudge them a raise. Everyone should get one at least once a year. But I do sputter over it being over 11%. That's ELEVEN PERCENT!! And they are going to get about the same pay raise next year, too.

Regular little people working for the county get their token 3% and that's after fighting for it. (and lets not talk of the years where all pay increases were frozen.) If the commissioners get 11%, then all other employees should get the same. I'm usually all for "across the board" raises but that never happens.

You'll have to excuse me now... I've got to get out of the wet shirt. You know, all that sputtering.

Nothing says 'sexy' like....

... sharp angles and pointed bones. Shake your booty!!

But watch where you stab those shoes, okay?

Nuthin' much...

 
I just spent an hour cleaning the ole keyboard. When we are in an environment that we are use to, its amazing how much we don't see. Or feel. This morning I had a moment of clarity. "ohmygawd!! This keyboard looks like its been in a mechanic shop for ten years! YUCK!" Half a bottle of alcohol and all looks and FEELS clean. Go me.

I'm having a very boring day.
 

"Where's Your Handyman?"

 
Bright van, huh. It attracts the eye... this mass of deep bright yellow/orange. The smaller letters on it says "www.ifoundyourhandyman.com". Thats pretty easy to remember. I found your handyman. Its one of my son's. I don't know if this is the only one this color and with this 'name', but its the only one I've seen. The rest of the vans are white with usual lettering and what not, but this baby is an eye-catcher. If you check out the web site (one of several), have your sound on.
 

Thats not a drug house!

 
 
Thats a drug garage!!

The house (not shown here) on the corner has been sold to the local community college and is currently empty. Some of the crack users around here are using the garage as their place. Yesterday I saw a young woman walking out from the door and move on and then a man with his pants and belt unbuckled came out. He checked his wallet and then slowly did his pants up. Went back in... tossed out an empty can onto grass. Awww life in the hood.

This morning I heard loud voices. A maintenance person for the apts was telling one of the crack users to move on... back and forth conversations. The crackhead then went and got him something out of the garage to sit on and set up in the front of the garage. There were two other guys sitting with him but they don't show up in the photo. (one of the unseen is the guy with the prostitute yesterday.)

I decided to blog it and took the pictures.
 

Check it out!

Check out this video of a giant girl doll. Way KEWL! (have the sound on just for effect)

Before and After

 
 
Oh my... this peach was DELICIOUS!

The saucer use to hold a toasted English muffin.
 

And this is my share of the loot.

  

And on the way home we saw....

 
 
 
The 'cement' building standing so tall is the place where firefighters can train with actual fire, albeit controlled.

My friend lives downtown. Traffic sucks, however, this was a holiday so it was great. This is a picture of an old church now sitting between two new construction projects. It really looks out of place. (Picture taken thru my dirty windshield as I was driving... not too bad a shot considering I was looking at the road and not where the camera was pointing.)

The last picture is of the apts. across the street from where my friend lives. I liked the plants in the window and on the little balcony.
 

Views from the Produce stand

 
 
  

Hunting and Gathering

 
 
 
I picked up a good friend, who I see maybe once a year, to hunt down some local produce stands to get some fruit and veggies. Although we only see each other rarely it seems easy and natural to step back in line with her. It doesn't seem necessary to be around each other more than this. If there was a reason, it would happen.

But anyhooooo.... We drove to a couple of produce stands. The first one was closed because its a holiday. Actually, this "produce stand" was the farm itself. It use to be in semi-country area but urban growth has encased it. Since it was closed on a holiday, I'm guessing it must be a pretty 'retail' type of business. A couple of blocks down the street we came upon this small stand.

It didn't have a lot of variety.... I mean, you can see how small it is, but we didn't want to drive any further out because we didn't know whether the other stands would be opened or closed. Besides, it was hot and sticky and we wanted to get out of the sun.

There were just a couple of sad looking tomatoes, two kinds of peaches ("light and dark ones" is what we were told. City slickers can be picked out of a crowd in a minute... no sense in wasting time telling them what kind of peaches they were.), some necterines (I bet I spelled that wrong), and lastly was sweet corn.
 

Nothing says 'autumn'

 
... like fallen leaves.

This is a shot of the neighbor's doorway. Its filled with dried leaves, although they don't show up well in this picture.

The drama of life. There were shots fired around 4am this morning... close but not at the apartments. Thirty minutes later I saw a police car circling around so someone called the gun shots in to them. There's a public housing project a couple of blocks away and I've heard there's drugs to be had there so that would be my guess as to where the shots came from. (It doesn't seem to work too well when groups of people living in poverty are put all in the same place. I think they should be spotted all over. What I mean by that is when a large apartment complex is built, there should only be a few apts for low-income people.... spread it out, because when its concentrated, the property value and quality of life goes bottom up. I know, I know... it costs too much.)

My neighbor came over crying her heart out.... crying so hard she almost threw up. She's in the process of being dumped by her boy friend who is a coward. Instead of being up front and facing the wrath, he's trying to sneak out the side door and blame things on the woman. Its like taking off a bandaid. If you try to do it a little bit at a time, the pain hurts the same, it just takes forever for it to go away. If you strip that bandaid off in one swope, sure it hurts, but its over fairly quickly. And you also have closure. That's important to the healing process.

The neighbor can see what is happening but she's called crazy because the guy doesn't have the guts to tell it like it is. Its all so classic. He was using her and now he's ready to toss her away. I wish I could zap her and give her a dose of strong testosterone, then she'd be able to see things differently. Estrogen makes us wimpy. Another cruel joke by Mother Nature. (Although we do have the black widow spider we could use as a role model.) Intimate relationships are way over rated.
 

"Hey?! I think this is plain water. WTF?!?"